1. I promise to have a purrfectly honest administration
2. I promise to ban all dogs with the exception of those who are ‘working’
3. I promise to shoot Rumsfeld “to the moon”!
4. I will end all feline declawing!
5. I will create catnip stamps for those cats who cannot afford their own catnip. When I am President of the United States there will be catnip in every stuffed mouse. No cat will go without.
6. I will maintain the dignity of every cat, even if it forces me to take drastic measures when it comes to dogs (especially Rumsfeld).
7. My first act as President will be to ban all food products from China. All cat (okay, dog too) food must first class, gourmet, and must taste like fishies. If it isn’t, we’re gonna make our humans eat it! No more poison products from China. As someone who has lost a twin sister, and a very young niece, I pledge that from this day on all cat food will be safe! (You may applaud now) From this day on, all cat food must be P-U-R-R-fect!
8. Any dog who barks at a cat will be imprisoned, subjected to cat-astrophic torture, and will no longer be allowed to have tummy rubs. This goes for you too, Rumsfeld!
9. Mice will no longer be allowed to scare cats. I know, this is a subject we don’t like to discuss, but mousies are scary. Cats should not be expected to hunt and then to eat (shudder, gag) them. B – A – R – F!
10. All cats and kittens who are forced to live in shelters must be treated with dignity and kindness. All (sob) mercy murdering of those disadvantaged homeless felines must end immediately. Further, all cats in shelters must have daily allowances of cat-nip. Also, no cat should be harassed or imprisoned with dogs. Cats are dignified individuals. We MUST be allowed to have our dignity.
11. If a cat chooses to live out-doors and not be attached to any one human, I promise that they will be fed daily and will receive daily allowances of catnip.
12. All coyotes will be shot on sight. Any dog who hurts a cat will be executed immediately. (That goes for you, too Rumsfeld!)
13. All cats must be allowed to be themselves, to do what they want, when they want it. No dog will ever allowed to chase or harass a cat, ever again. (Take that, Rumsfeld!) I promise all cats will live in a Purrfect World!