Sunday, October 07, 2007

DOC'S DEBATE ANSWERS

Doc Holiday & aide, Bat Masterson work on
the Great Feline-American Debate Answers
THE GREAT FELINE-AMERICAN DEBATE
MY REBUTTAL ANSWERS
PART 1

Skeezix Scratching Post

FOR CHEYSULI
CHEY'S PLACE
HER QUESTION: “When he speaks of personal responsibility for our food, is he saying we shouldn't have tighter standards for food and for food labeling.”

DOC’S ANSWER:

(smiles wryly)

First, I don’t know how to handle this without sounding like the Democratic Party front-runner, but I am a FEMALE FELINE-AMERICAN. In fact, one leading Republican Party activist has declared “’Doc Holiday or Hillary Clinton? America's Fate Lies in Balance.’” While I come from a staunch Republican-American genealogical background, I am honored to be considered a serious competitor to a very strong, powerful Democrat-American.

(big smile)

Now, back to Cheysuli’s question:

There are times when we forget to state the obvious and assume (ass-you-me) everyone knows certain things are part of the equation. And thus I incorrectly assumed very strict labeling of not only nutritional content, but point of origin for ALL ingredients would be part of that labeling.

My Human-American grandfather once owned a small flour mill back in South Carolina, where my Human-American family were staunch supporters of Senator Lindsey Graham. When I am elected President of the United States I will need the support of such good people to pass my purrfect legislative agenda for America.

My Human-American grandfather was constantly complaining about all the labeling and requirements on packaging. He was right about the intrusive role of the FDA (Food and Drug Administration), but he was also very much aware they were there to protect us. If the FDA did not require strict labeling on food for Human-Americans many Human-Americans would meet the same fate as so many of our beloved Feline (and Canine) – American family members.

(eyes tear, a single tear slips down her face, which is wiped away with a paw)

As you know my beloved twin sister, GeorgieW and precious little niece, Miss Piggy were both the victims of what amounts to nothing but corporate greed. I have heard my Human-American grandfather tell many stories about food products that were condemned for Human-American consumption but big corporations would cheat and use them anyway.

Strict labeling is a burden on the independent Business-American, but it is a necessary evil to keep everyone safe.

(stares at camera)

There is another issue here that we Feline-Americans are skirting, and that is the fact that there is this unspoken aura of Feline & Canine-American discrimination because nothing has yet to be actually enacted to protect us, by proper labeling. I am wondering if this is a food safety issue or an issue of rank discrimination.

CHEYSULI’S SECOND QUESTION: “For Skittles and Doc Holiday: Do all of you really get that thing stuck in your booty?! My goodness.”

DOC’S ANSWER

(shudder)

(smile)

I must admit, I’ve only been subjected to the indignation one time in my purrfect existence (that I can remember). I am in excellent health, contrary to what some annoying little Poodle-Americans are saying on the web. When I was a Kitten-American I had a few of the usual child-hood diseases and was subjected to such torture devices at the hand of Dr. Franklin, but as an adult, I’ve been blessed with excellent health and have not endured this indignation.

CHEYSULI’S THIRD QUESTION: Doc: Certainly I have no problems with live and let live for the deer. I am a Buddhist. However, cats are terrified. What are you planning to do calm the masses?

DOC’S ANSWER

(sigh)

Cat nip?

(laughter)

Seriously, I am well aware that Deer-Americans can be vicious when angered, and are a threat to Feline-Americans everywhere when we are riding in a Human-American vehicle and a Dear-American decides on a suicidal kamikaze attack. And those big things on their heads are just plain ugly. Have you ever seen Bambi? They can do scary things with those things. But no self-respecting Feline-American should get anywhere near those disgusting things. As for calming mass hysteria, I don’t know what to say. Perhaps, “Get a grip?”

We are Feline-Americans for goodness sake. We are the superior beings. It is time we act like it. Hold your head up and be proud of who you are. If you have a Deer-American phobia, deal with it and admit it is a phobia.

Once upon a time, in a country called “France” Humans there thought we Felines were tools of the Devil. They would go out en masse to kill Felines. I just don’t want to see this happen here with Deer-Americans. They have enough problems.

CATO'S CREATURES OF THE EARTH
CATO’S QUESTIONS: Doc Holliday your name sake (John Henry (Doc) Holliday) was a known killer (gunslinger), compulsive gambler and alcoholic. His history shows that alcoholism played a part in his violent temper, his gambling; and his abuse of the substance may have been due to the fact that he was slowly dying from a disease (consumption) given to him by his mother. My question to you is this: Should alcohol be classified as an illicit drug and outlawed?

DOC’S ANSWERS

(smiles)

(looks directly into camera)

First, I am very proud of my name. When I was a baby, my Human-American mommy gave me my name because I was so tiny and helpless and I needed a strong name and reputation to keep me safe. My Human-American mommy writes books about Wyatt Earp and Doc Holiday.

John Henry Holiday is a very mis-understood Human-American. I know he was neither a compulsive gambler, “gunslinger” or alcoholic. Doc was a gun-fighter. There’s a difference between a gunslinger and a gun-fighter. The drug of choice for Tuberculosis in the 1880’s was laudanum, an opiate. Instead of drugging himself into a stupor with laudanum, Doc chose whiskey to help deal with the symptoms of the disease.

Doc supported himself as a gambler. During his day, gambling, especially poker, a game in which he excelled, was a “gentleman’s” game and sport and was considered an honorable profession. There was an aura of romance to it, during those days. Doc had a reputation as an excellent poker player and usually managed to live a very well-off life-style because of his talents.

Interestingly, Doc Holiday’s life story was told by his cousin in another novel. Doc was very much in love with his 1st cousin, Mattie. When he was diagnosed with TB, rather than contaminate her, he left Atlanta and fled to Dallas where he lived near other Holiday relatives. As the years went by, they kept in touch. Eventually Mattie became a nun. Her name was Sister Mary Melanie. Because of Doc, she cared for every derelict, every drunk, every man down on his luck. She was considered an angle for her goodness and kindness. Doc & Mattie had a cousin who wanted to write a book about Atlanta. The one thing she wanted to do was tell the story of Mattie (Melanie). When she wrote her book, she turned Mattie’s life into one of the most beloved characters in Human-American literature, Melanie Wilkes. Doc’s story was told in the character of Rhett Butler.

Margaret Mitchell based her entire book on the story of Doc Holiday’s family. When Doc was kid growing up in war-torn Valdosta, his nurse-made, “Mammy” taught he and his cousins how to play poker. This same nurse, beloved by the family, became “Mammy” in Gone with the Wind. One day, when Doc’s sisters needed new dresses for a big party, and they could afford none, Mammy pulled down the green velvet drapes and made beautiful party gowns for them. During the burning of Atlanta, Doc’s cousins drove a buggy through the burning town, fighting off attacking Yankee soldiers, hiding, and fighting for survival. It took them over a month to reach the safety of the family in Valdosta.

So you see, I am very proud of my name and my image. The only reason Doc allegedly had a temper was because he was just trying to stay alive. He was involved n several incidents and killings, but he enhanced the stories to create a reputation as a dangerous killer so people would leave him alone.

(looks directly into camera)

I do not believe in the prohibition of alcohol any more than I believe in the prohibition of cat-nip. Doc Holiday would not approve.

(looks very serious)

SKITTLES & SLYCAT 2008

SKITTLES QUESTION: Doc: If the COOL Act is not enforced, what good does reading a label do?

DOC’S ANSWER

(sighs)

As a moderately, liberal, conservative Republican I prefer market forces rather than government interference. I also do not approve of a tremendous amount of government spending and funding of any number of programs, defense and NASA being the exception. I think the very best way to enforce the Cook Act is public education and market forces. Human-Americans love us very much. In the UK there are some who say the Brits love their Pet-British Subjects better than their own Children-British-Subjects.

This said, I think the power of the pocket book and purchasing food from companies who self label is the optimum way to go, if possible.

(looks stern)

SKITTLES QUESTION: Doc: Since you do not believe deer are a vicious menace, do you feel you may be out of touch with a major segment of your constituents, who do in fact feel intimidated by deer?

DOC’S ANSWER:

(shakes her head)

(looks directly into camera)

I live in town. While there are Deer-Americans around me, there are none in my general vicinity. I do know that my Human-American grandparents feed Deer-Americans where they live. From what I’ve been told the Feline-Americans and Deer-Americans live in peaceful co-existence.

Quite frankly, I think many Feline-Americans are giving in to mass hysteria. I think it would behoove us to look beyond the hystaria of the madding crowd and deal with serious dangers.

(shakes her head)

I truly feel if this continues, Deer-Americans will become an oppressed majority, hunted, and used for abject meat and road-kill.

(glares at camera)

My dear Feline-Americans do not be deluded into fearing beings who can do relatively little damage to Feline-Americans unless, like I said earlier, they are in a Human-American’s motor vehicle and a Deer-American attempts suicide.

The greater danger is from the psychopathic mauradings of outlaw Coyote-Americans.

(a tear escapes, she wipes her eye with a paw)

I, personally have lost a number of relatives to Psychopathic Coyote-Americans. They are terrorists. They prowl and strike when we are at our most vulnerable.

Pig Boulden has personally lost three Feline-American siblings to Terrorist Coyote-Americans. They prowl around the park in Memphis, waiting for innocent Feline-Americans to go out for an early morning walk. Then they strike.

(looks grim)

Do you know what Terrorist Coyote-Americans do to Feline-Americans.
(shudders)

It is violent. They literally rip the stomach out of a still living Feline-American, then devour it, while the Feline-American is still fighting to surivive.

(gulps, looks sickened)

How can you talk to me about the anticts of a few Deer-Americans when thousands upon thousands of our Feline-American relatives are murdered on a daily basis by Terrorist Coyote-American psychopaths.

(looks angry)

As far as I am concerned, we need to kill them all.

(pauses for effect)

Then, we also have a problem with Raccoon-Americans. My Human-American grandparents have lost at least a half dozen of their Feline-Americans to the depravations of Raccoon-Americans. They prey on innocent kittens, devouring them, while the kittens are still alive.

(furious)

And all anyone can do is piddle in their litter boxes about vicious Deer-Americans.

Get a grip and grow up. Face reality.

(pauses)

(sighs)

(a slight smile)

Once again I want to thank the Gracious Skeezix for hosting this historic event. I also want to thank my worthy opponents Skittles, Chey, and Cato for their most excellent answers and probing questions. I just wish our Human-American opponents could be as gracious and candid as we have been.

(smiles slightly)

This has been a truly historic moment for Felines the world over. I am honored to be a part of it. Thank you. Good night, and may God bless the United States of America.

(puts paw over heart and nods graciously to audience, then visits with opponents)

3 comments:

The Crew said...

My, what fascinating revelations about the characters in Gone with the Wind!

Excellent rebuttal answers, Doc!

Gemini said...

Why thank you Doc for that fine comment. It is always good to have such fine opponents.

Chey

Caesar and Princess said...

Excellent answers!